The word “selfish” tends to have an extremely negative connotation. When you think of selfishness, you probably think of wanton indulgence at the expense of others, but that isn’t quite the whole picture. This isn’t to say it hasn’t earned its badge for most of its usage, but sometimes, you have to put yourself first.
Reframing What It Means To Be Selfish
Someone who takes and takes, and takes without ever giving back is selfish. A person who will throw others under the bus to protect themselves from the repercussions of their own actions is selfish. Someone who looks out for others is not selfish. The list of descriptions goes on and on.
To be selfish is to put one’s own interests ahead of those of others in a given action. A cancer patient who quits their job for their health is ultimately performing a selfish action, though we wouldn’t typically consider it to be selfish in intent. It fits the definition but yet, it is somehow different.
Even though the concept of being selfish or the concept of selfishness in general is almost always negative, it still technically just describes a scenario of putting one’s self before others. This isn’t a bad thing when it comes to our health in dire scenarios, but is typically frowned upon in most other situations. A lot of people are raised and taught to try to put others first, but others do not always adhere to this, and sometimes to even help others, you need to put yourself first.
Reframing What It Means To Be Selfless
Selfless is the opposite of selfish, but like selfish, it doesn’t always have to be polarized. To be selfless is to put the needs of others before oneself. A soldier who jumps on a grenade to absorb the blow performs a selfless act as does someone who gives their money to a cult, but even though the intention in both is good, the results very different. One is heroic, the other idiotic.
To be selfless is to be concerned with the needs of other’s before one’s own needs. Just like being selfish, it too can be abused to the point of absurdity. Selfless actions without a selfless intent are worthless. Selfless acts with false pretenses are worse than run-of-the-mill selfishness.
The act, intent, outcome, and implementation make or break a selfless act. Giving away all of one’s food to a starving person may kill them if they have been starved for too long. The act may be selfless, the intent may be selfless, but the outcome and implementation end up making the situation worse. The concept of being selfless can end up just as bad as any selfish act if it is not properly tempered. “The path to hell is paved with good intentions,” as the saying goes.
Being Selfless To The Chronically Selfish
Some people just aren’t team players. No good deed will make them change their tune. They are who they are, and they don’t care about you or anyone else.
Selfless acts for toxic people are wasted. These types of people will drain every drop of compassion, empathy, and sympathy out of you and leave you with nothing if you let them. They will betray you or desert you when you need help. At this point, you are feeding and nurturing a parasite.
Being selfless to the chronically selfish is casting pearls before swine. You would be better off helping someone who cared or would at least pay the favor forward. Selfless acts shouldn’t have selfish intent, but at the same time, if you try to shine light to illuminate a black hole, you are wasting time and effort on a fruitless endeavor that serves absolutely no purpose and can have nothing good come out of it. Helping those who are toxic or who cannot appreciate it can be toxic to you.
Learning To Be Selfish
If you were raised like me, and I assume you were if you’ve made it this far, you were taught you should give the shirt off your back to someone who needs it. Sometimes though, you have to tell the person asking, “No.” Trying to always be selfless is commendable, but it can also be a double-edged sword.
Plenty of people have no qualms leveraging selflessness into their own benefit and will push and push until you break and then cast you away like you are used up and worthless. This isn’t to say the world is teeming with narcissists and sociopaths out to get you, just that they exist, and they will take what they can if you can’t tell them no. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone no if you won’t get anything out of it and you just plain don’t want to do it and doing so won’t harm you or anyone else.
You do have to put your interests first if no one else will. If you have a family or loved ones, putting your own self first can actually be one of the most selfless things for them. Do you think your family would be happy if you work yourself into an early grave to give them more things, when you could have instead given just a little less and had more time with them?
Selfishness As Selflessness
The irony of all of this is that I learned how to be more selfless from a complete sociopath. A millionaire who gives 10% of their earnings and fortune to charity is arguably going to be able to help more people than someone homeless who gives every cent they find to charity. Helping yourself improve and enriching yourself helps you to be better able to help others. No matter how great the idea and intent, if you can’t implement it, it may as well not exist.
“You cannot help others if you cannot help yourself.” This quote is cliché to say the least, but it gets the point across efficiently. If you cannot help yourself, you aren’t ever going to help others as efficiently as you could. If you try to spend time helping build houses for the poor, you aren’t going to get much done if you don’t first spend some time learning to use a hammer.
If you want to help others, and you arguably should, build a solid foundation for yourself with which to do so. You can’t be selfless without first understanding your own needs and your own self. Once you know and understand your own needs and are able to attend to them, you can then attend to the needs of others. If a plane goes down, the advice is to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping your child. If you pass out trying to put theirs on, what have you accomplished with your own intent? Sometimes a selfish act can end with a selfless result.
Selflessness As Selfishness
Many people try to hide behind selflessness as their reason for not focusing on themselves. This is its own form of selfishness. A workaholic who lives for the company is fulfilling their own selfish desires whether they know it or not. They are running away from their problems or trying to mask inadequacy in their own life rather than doing it for the company. The ones who fully buy into it “for the company” either own it or are on the road to burnout.
I have known people who have volunteered to help just to get out of other obligations. Are they really being selfless here? They are committing a selfless act with a selfish intention. They play martyr while getting what they want out of the situation.
Selflessness to a fault can feel like the answer to how to handle the world, but ultimately, you can give and give and give until you have nothing left, and most likely, there will be no one left by that point. Some people do it because they want to help others, some people do it because they are afraid of not having others around. Some people keep a tab on favors like this and try to call it in like a debt or a tab at the end of the night. Some people give and give until they are burned out and have nothing left to give physically or mentally. Aside from just wanting to help others, these all boil down to selfishness masquerading as selflessness.
Striking A Balance
Swinging too far one way is just as bad as swinging too far the other way. Unless you are prepared to be a toxic individual, or plan to become a Buddhist monk ready to give their entire existence to others, you shouldn’t swing too far either way. Even the most enlightened of monks will indulge themselves once in a while though.
Temper your needs with the needs of those around you. I used to try and be selfless partially because I just like helping others, but partially because I wanted some karmic pay forward. I didn’t ever want to be at a deficit for niceness, but I squandered my empathy and time on endeavors which were ultimately at their root selfish and even worse, not even fruitful.
If you can’t find a balance, you will drain yourself. You either become a toxic shell of a person until you can find humanity again, or give and give until you are a husk, burned from the inside out, with nothing to show for your actions. Selfless actions for the wrong reasons can be just as toxic as selfish actions for the most selfish reasons.
Conclusion
I’m not trying to say it’s a dog eat dog world and we should give up on the whole concept of selflessness, but instead, take the time to indulge yourself. Say no when you really don’t want to do something and you’ve done enough. Know yourself so that you can know your limits and make truly selfless decisions when you want to.
Do not waste your efforts feeding a toxic black hole when you could spend the same effort on yourself or others who will appreciate it. Take the time to focus on you and improving yourself and your life. Find stability and happiness and you can get in a position to help others do the same. Without knowing yourself and helping yourself, you can’t really help anyone.
Abandon the concept of being selfish as being purely negative. Take time to improve and help yourself so that you may help others far more efficiently on your own terms. You can’t dream of saving the world if you can’t even manage to save yourself from yourself. Give up on selflessness which is not actually selflessness.